Sports: Swoop Throws Like a Bitch!

Philadelphia Eagles Mascot Swoop takes the flight out of "Flight Night"

Philadelphia Eagles Mascot Swoop

This past Sunday I was invited by a friend to attend the Philadelphia Eagles Flight Night, which in all honesty is nothing more than just a glorified training camp, followed by a laser light show (which was pretty rad). The atmosphere was electric as fans of all ages made their way around stadium to discover all types of games, collectables, and the ever so popular stations where you can take pictures with nameless Eagles' cheerleaders. Now like most folks in the Philadelphia/South Jersey region, I love the Birds and being at the Linc with so much excitement, it seems as if there wouldn't be much reason to complain (aside from the $4 bottled waters). It was all good except for one factor, Swoop, the Philadelphia Eagles Mascot who can't seem to throw a souvenir football or t-shirt passed the third row. The crowd was small that night, no seats were filled past the 100 level and with a smaller crowd to please and the make up being mostly children, you would think they would do their absolute best with trying to give everyone a fair shot at the free giveaways. But no, not Swoop and his limp dick of an arm.  The crowd cheered as he made his way onto the field, pointed at the stands and did his stupid dances as the fans screamed and raised their hands to the sky with anticipation of catching whatever free gifts that were launched into the seats.

Don't get me wrong, as a grown man I could care less if I win a prize, but what about the kids in the last row? I mean seriously, is it that hard to get at least a few shirts past the third row, even with their fancy sling shot? Not only do the fans in the front rows get the privilege of being closer to the action and have a better shot of getting a player to autograph some type of memorabilia, but they also get all the free giveaways too? Bullshit I say! Obviously, Swoop can't get the job done by using his arm or sling shot, so where's the canon? As I look around at all the disappointed children's faces in the back rows and the kids/grown ups in the front rows basking in their glory of free giveaways, sharing high fives, their guts exploding with laughter as they're drenched in spoils I can't help but to think Swoop is a bitch. He looks like a bitch, throws like a bitch, and dances like a bitch.  If he is reading this right now, take heed to these words and know that your only purpose is to please the fans and not just the ones in the front row. Fans are fans, whether in the front, back, bathroom, or parking lot. They all deserve the same amount of consideration.  If you can't do that then you should take off the jersey, quit your job, and go stand on the street corner with an arrow promotions for Popeye's, this way you don't have to please anyone, just collect a paycheck. 

P.S. It doesn't matter if your an eagle, most people won't know the difference or care as they drive by beeping and laughing at your tragically sad dance moves. Bitch.